Positive expectation

Hi, it’s been ages since I last wrote on here. I have actually been really busy, building my coaching practice. I only have a few clients as yet, but I am very confident that it will grow, and very soon.

So, I mentioned Ralf in my last post. I am so surprised that my feelings for him have gone. If you knew me, and how I was in the past, you would probably have expected me to stalk the guy, but this is the new me. Having an experience like hiv really does put things into perspective.

So I should be heading back to Brazil in a few month; probably end of April. I am going to invest in a good quality HD camcorder to record my time there. You never know when footage like that may come in handy. I can’t wait to go, and if I have enough money on this trip, I will buy a crystal bed, so that I can have more intense healing at home. Have I mentioned the crystal bed before? Basically it is a row of seven crystal lights that are placed over you, and although I don’t know exactly how they work, I am told they balance your chakras. Personally, I think it creates a force-field through which the energy beings heal you. I may be wrong, but it sounds good.

I went to see a psychic last week, and I floated out of her house. It was that good. I know not everyone believes in psychics and mediums, but I do, and to me, this woman was the best I had ever seen. She was so specific with names, and so many other things. What she told me, of course, is only a glimpse of what could be. My future is full of infinite possibilities, but I am choosing to believe her, and have a vision of what my life could look like. The interesting thing is that she told me what I have suspected myself, so to get a reading like that just strengthened my beliefs. I’m not going to go into details, but let’s put it this way, there was so mention of ill-health. I’ll leave it at that.

So my coaching practice, as I said, is beginning to take off. I have decided to put most of my energy and focus into the gay market, and people with hiv. I will have a website and blog up and running within the next two months, and will have forums where people can discuss their lives, and healing in positive ways. No room for any kind of limitation or negativity in my blog!!

So there, you have it, nothing much happening here, except a lot of positive expectation. I did get a flu a few weeks ago, and had a huge cold-sore all over my face. I looked like the phantom of the opera. Not a good look.

I also recorded a video intro for my blog, which was strange. It’s quite hard getting used to yourself on video, and my voice, oh my god..

Anyway, I’ll leave it at that for now.

All the best

Very dark corridors

So it’s the beginning of December, and I am feeling quite down. I really don’t feel it’s appropriate to go into details, but let’s just say that old patterns of behaviour have risen to the surface, and I am healing old wounds. I feel insecure and quite vulnerable. Of course, I have my time in Brazil to thank for all of this. As I’ve said before, my healing process has taken me down some very dark corridors, but this one is familiar, and to be honest I’m not having the best of times.

I think I will do some self-hypnosis, and meditate till my head explodes. That will probably resolve the issues. But for today, I’ll take it easy.

I have my quarterly check up at the hiv clinic on tuesday, so I’ll keep you posted. My cd4 was 628 three months ago and viral load undetectable, so I’m expecting my results to be even better this time. Of course, I don’t really pay much attention to the numbers, but more to how I feel. And apart from this emotional roller-coaster ride I’m on at the moment, I feel great.

I’m back at the gym, and I’ve decided to train with a girl called Linda. She’s fun, and has a great energy; it’s a joy to be around her. My usual trainer, a very handsome sexy guy, distracts me, with his bulging muscles, etc. And at this moment in time, it’s the last thing I need.

I have a lot of spare time off work this month, so I can pour a lot of my energy and time into developing my coaching business.. I can’t wait

Blogging back to health

So, i’ve been back in the UK for about 4 days now, and I feel that I’m settling back into life here. I miss the energy, and the magical quality that I felt everyday in Brazil, but I guess life goes on and I have to adjust. I feel great, though my appetite is not as good as it usually is.. I could do with losing a few pounds, so that’s not a problem.

Ralf hasn’t really been in touch, which surprises me. Maybe he’s busy, or maybe I’ve just potentially made a huge fool of myself. Telling someone you like them to their face is one thing, but on the web for the whole world to see is quite another. I feel I’ve laid myself wide open, and that I may have left myself feeling vulnerable. But such is life! So enough of my lovelife, or lack of it.

As I said, I feel great, although I feel tired too. I’ve had some great ideas for my coaching business. I’m going to start writing a Life Coaching Blog for people with hiv, in which I will give support and advice on how to recreate your life after being diagnosed. It needn’t be a lonely time of your life, like it was for me. When I was diagnosed, there was no real help; only support groups that tend to focus on the problem, and help you stay there. By the way, I’m in no way putting down support groups; they just weren’t right for me, and so I went it alone, and that was lonely! So my blog will be in place to advise, support, offer guidance, and inspiration, as well as many tools and techniques for self-empowerment.

Going through the motions

Ok, so today is the last free day before healing starts again, and it’s pissing down. It’s still quite warm, so I can’t really complain.

So, is this post going to be about Ralf again? I don’t think so! But I do still miss the closeness, that lovely exciting feeling that I had all last week. When I wake up in the morning, I forget for just a second that he’s no longer in the next room, but then reality sets in, and I feel less than totally enthralled about spending my days going through the motions.

And you know what, everytime I fart, i just can’t help but think of him. Who says romance is dead??

In a way, I hope he never reads this, because I sound like a right nutter! But I just can’t get over how much fun I had, and how those feelings that I have tried for years to suppress just came flooding back at light speed. I feel disoriented, and weak, and I need all of my strength for healing.

So, I’m going to sign off for now and just get on with the day. Bye !!!

New Friends

Ok, so since I last posted, I’ve made some new friends..I met a couple of fantastic Australian women called Louise and Julie; they’re sisters! I actually met Louise last year, and we hit it off really well then, but this time we strengthened the bond. She may read this so I will have to keep it nice.

I also have a new neighbour, called Ralf, a german guy. He’s gay and very funny, so the last week has been a real good laugh. I think there is some attraction there, but I didn’t come here for romance, and I don’t suppose he did either. But I have to wonder, why are we right next to each other in the hotel, and why have we spent so much time together. What am I to learn from this encounter. He probably doesn’t know this, but I have learned so much from him. I have developed more discipline, especially with my diet. We had a fruit day yesterday, and I stuck to it pretty well, though I did have some cake and Acai, oh and a bit of chocolate. Anyway, he’s a lovely guy, very spiritual, and kinda goodlooking.;0)

We have also been to the healing waterfall three times.. Yes, there is a healing waterfall, which is extremely cold. It really is amazing, and the energy is so powerful.

So, i’ve been here for two weeks now and I still haven’t had a spiritual operation yet. Just meditations. I guess I don’t need them this time. Is this a positive sign? Is my healing journey coming to its end( my hiv healing journey, at least). We’ll see!!!

Yet another hot day

So i’ve had another roasting hot day in brazil. I can’t remember it ever being this hot!!

I’m reading a book by Anthony Robbins, the big daddy of life coaches.. I wish I had picked it up years ago, but then i guess right now is the right time.. It’s a great book for anyone who wants to learn about NLP, coaching, and personal growth.. It may be a little in depth for the beginner, but it is a great book nonetheless.

Anyway, I’m here in Brazil, getting healed of hiv…. God knows how long I have left.. I do hope that this is the last time i have to visit…

So what is it that makes someone decide to see an illness like mine as an opportunity to grow, to change; to see it as a life transforming event. When I found out I was infected, I knew it was meant to be.. sounds crazy, I know, but what other options do I have? Do I choose to feel weak and disempowered? Do I choose to be a victim and allow current human perception to keep me in chains of fear and despair? Or do I carry on and see this life experience as a tool to be who I was born to be. Sounds really idealistic, but then that’s me!!

Please, if you have an illness that doctors have told you is going to kill you or limit you in any way, then ask yourself what is important in your life. Do you want to live? Do you want to create a state of great health again? Do you want to feel that you can beat it? Then, you must find a way. And the best way is to model someone who has done it before you. We live in a world with so much information, so get out there and find it!! One source of great healing and transformation is John of God.. This is where I am. I’m healing. I’m transforming. You can too!!

OK, I’m here in Brazil

I arrived here last night.. and my god, is it hot??

Spent most of the day meditating, which was great.. i hope that this is my last visit to Abadiania, but i think it may be a little optimistic. I was told two years ago that it would take four years, so two years to go… genius, aren’t I?

Anyway, it’s about 90degress celsius here at the moment, and I’m far too hot to make any sense, so i’ll sign off for now..
But before I do, I urge you to check out John of God on google.. and if you want to make a difference in your life and want to heal your disease state, then it may help you!!

Just ONE month to go….

As the title says, I have one month to go before I head off to brazil for some more healing… It really is an astonishing place.. I have been three times already, and really can’t wait to get back..

When I first visited Abadiania, I was totally shocked. What a shithole, I thought. I live in the UK, in relative luxury, compared to what I experienced in Brazil.. the hotel was basic beyond belief, and my room wasn’t like anything I had ever seen before.. the sheets smelled funny, I remember that.. but what really alarmed me was the number of really sick people, of every colour.. and I dont just mean race.. some people were grey, others yellow; in fact, I think I recall a green woman.. Of course, I’m having a wee joke, but the level of sickness there really shocked me.. I thought, ‘what the hell am I doing here’, then I remembered that I was extremely ill.. at this point I weighed about 9 stone, and thought I looked gorgeous, though not really.. I had a six pack for the first time in my life; and last, I may add. The funny thing is, I always wanted to be slim, growing up a bit on the chubby side.. so, the old saying ‘be careful what you ask for’ really hit home.. I had manifested my desire.. but how I longed to be fat again.
So anyway, I had a guide called Phyllis, and was part of a group of very sick people.. Phyllis, our guide, would take us in front of Joao (John of God), every wednesday, thursday and friday, twice a day, and he would prescribe herbs, tell us to come back for a spiritual operation, or have a crystal bed.. you’re probably thinking, ‘what is he on about!’, but it will all become clear as I carry on with this blog.. let’s just say, I had some treatments, which would stretch many people’s maps of reality.. I had a spiritual background, spending four years with a chinese spiritual master in london, so It really wasn’t anything new to me… But seeing all of those sick people really was.. I remember one man in our group called Richard.. a lovely older man about 65.. he had cancer in his belly.. he looked pregnant.. anyway, we really bonded on that trip, but I never kept in touch with him after we returned home, and I wish I had.. He sadly died last year..
So anyway, my group was full of irishmen, and women… talk about hilarious.. i love the irish… so warm and genuine; at least my group were.
So I stayed there for one whole month on that trip, and received lots of healing.It truly was a fantastic experience, and i couldn’t wait to go back..
However, by the time I got home to scotland, i had probably lost about another 7 pounds so you can imagine, i looked like shit! You see, the food at the pousada(hotel) was quite basic, and really was almost identical from one day to the next, and i quickly got sick of it, and on top of that I had really bad digestion problems. So anyway, I got home, and settled back into life slowly.. Then I got so tired, and weak. My digestion became worse, and I lost even more weight. God, this is sounding all doom and gloom, but it really wasn’t!!
Needless to say, I deteriorated quite qucikly when I returned home. My family thought it hadn’t worked, and that I had wasted a month of my time; time they probably thought I should have been spending with them; they obviously thought I was dying. But I knew I wasn’t. Looking back on that time, I returned from Brazil with a real sense of inner peace. I had been touched by some other-wordly force that really made me feel that no matter what was to come in my life, none of it really mattered. I felt bliss, and it was beautiful.
As the weeks went by, I tried to go to work, but I had to leave early almost everyday, until I thought, I can’t work anymore. Eventually, I went to the hospital to sign up with the HIV clinic, and the look on my Dr’s face really said it all. She insisted that I stay in the hospital for a thorough going over. She thought I had pneumonia. She was right, I did. So I stayed in hospital for six days, but it was freezing cold, and I had pneumonia.. Not a good combination. I think they put the heating off that week, so it really wasn’t a surprise to me when I became hypothermic. It’s quite funny really. Every time I complained that I was cold, they would throw another blanket over me. They were so heavy, and I was so thin, and I felt powerless, physically. And do you know what happens when nylon blankets collide with nylon blankets? Fireworks!! The static electricity was amazing! In the end I got this inflatable warm air blanket. Bloody brilliant, it was!
I remember my family coming in to see me, never taking their coats off. And there was me, lying on the bed, dying!! Or so they thought! It never ever crossed my mind that this was it. I knew it wasn’t time for me to leave. I felt so strong inside, and I guess it was this knowing that helped me through, albeit with a drug cocktail of Septrin and steroids!
My family’s reaction to my time in hospital, and my state of health in general has been very interesting to say the least. Some wounds healed, and others that were once silently strong could have turned septic, had I not had the awareness to forgive, but that’s another story!!

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