It’s good to take a step back

So, today is thursday and the casa healing days have started again. I was in current this morning (meditating), receiving some very powerful energy. I asked the entities for some clarity and balance, and to help me get things back into perspective. I also asked them to heal old relationship issues and insecurities that sometimes rear their ugly heads.

So anyway Ralf has been in touch a few times, and it’s been really nice talking to him again. But I feel that I have been getting so carried away with all the excitement of meeting such a wonderful person, that I have lost some sense of balance, dare I call it self-control. I know he may be reading this, like all the other posts he has read. But as I don’t want to scare the poor guy off, I think it might be good to take a step back. The thing is, I haven’t really conncected with anyone for such a long time, even years before I got sick, and so for this to happen, well it’s quite shocking to say the least. Maybe I should just go with the flow and let life happen; the same advice I give to all my clients. Did I mention that I am a Life Coach??

You know, it’s really funny. I came here for healing, and I got so much more. I got the opportunity to meet a great guy, open my heart, and potentially make a great friend. This really is a huge factor in my healing process. The reason, as far as I’m aware, that I contracted hiv was that I was so unhappy, couldn’t connect with anyone, and was totally closed down. Was I searching for love, and confusing it with sex? Was I reaching out, trying to find some connection, but just looking in the wrong place? Who knows? But what I do believe is that I have had so many gifts in life and have chosen to see them as obstacles, hindrances, and disasters. Every day is a gift! It’s all a question of perspective.

So what I can take away from my time here in Abadiania is that I had a wonderful experience. All the boxes were ticked; even boxes I never knew were on the page, and for this I am so grateful. Nevertheless, it’s good to stand back and gain some clear perspective. Life goes on, and I have a virus to say goodbye to and a business to develop. But I can take comfort in the fact that I experienced something beautiful and natural, and when it comes around again, I’ll recognise it. God knows, it took me long enough this time!

Wishing I was somewhere else

Ok, today is monday and i have six days before I leave. I know this sounds really pathetic, but when Ralf left I felt lonely, and was wishing I was somewhere else. I am so surprised because I really didn’t expect to have this kind of reaction. But I suppose I got what I asked for. I asked for my heart to be opened, but now I wish it would close again. I feel like I am falling and the lack of control is frightening. I suppose a lot of residual pain is bubbling to the surface; pain left over from past relationships. God, I hope Ralf doesn’t read this. I’ll feel like such a fool. But then, who cares, right!!

So what I think I miss is the sense of connection; the feeling that someone was like me, and liked me, though to what extent I don’t know. But again, does it really matter? I may never see him again. What was really lovely, though was the fact that I could be myself, effortlessly. It was comfortable, and beautiful, and exciting. But now I feel shell-shocked, and alone, and desperately want to focus on my healing. Maybe this is all part of the healing process, and I should just allow my feelings to flow.

This whole event reminds me of a song… ‘Big Yellow Taxi’…. ‘you don’t what you’ve got till it’s gone’ …. God, I sound like a twat.

Another thing that is surprising me is that I don’t feel as connected with a certain someone I fell in love with here last year. At the beginning of this trip the feelings were still there, but something just happened along the way, and I don’t feel the same connection. Maybe I’m plugged in somewhere else. But regardless, I am here for healing, and I need to focus on just that.

I went to the Casa this morning, and meditated for a little while. The energy was so powerful, so beautiful, and I should take advantage of it all as long as I am still here.

Anyway, this blog is turning into something that it wasn’t really intended to be. But it just goes to show – no matter what you think you want to happen, life can really throw a spanner in the works, and can make you face a part of yourself that you really didn’t want to face. Thanks LIFE!

Finally, I just want to say that I believe there really is someone out there for me. For a long time, I thought that I would be by myself forever, but now I have faith that there is someone out there in the world living his own life, being himself, telling his story, and that one day we will meet, and we will know each other!

I feel happy to have had this wonderful experience, to remind me of what it feels like to have connection. It really has been a great healing!

My Final Week

So, I had a spiritual operation, which was extremely intense this time. During the procedure I asked the entities(energy beings) to knock me out so that I would sleep for most of the 24 hours of confinement in my room. Ralf, the German guy next door, hardly slept a wink.

So Ralf! Where do I begin? He may read this, if he can indeed read, so I will probably not be as candid as I want to be. I think I was falling for him big time. He has a wonderful way with him; people warm to him very quickly, which I really admire, and he was kinda cute, even for a 39 year old man. But he did fart a lot, and smelt of josticks. Obviously he thought the insense would mask the smell of shit. Sorry Ralf!!

So anyway, this doesn’t really follow on from all the spiritual stuff and healing I’ve being going on about, but you know what, the time spent with Ralf was fun, and interesting, and exciting, and I really learned a lot from him. I can’t help but wonder why we met, and why we hit it off so well. I know that people in your life are a mirror and reflect back what you indeed have within yourself. So, what I can take from my experience is that I really have some great qualities and meeting Ralf has helped me appreciate myself more. You could say that the whole experience was healing.

I am also the master of unrequited love, and absolutely terrible at reading the signs, so I may have been so off key. But regardless, I had fun, and I felt special, and for that I am so grateful.

So anyway, because I had an operation, I can’t think of sex for 8 days or go out in the direct sunlight (there goes my suntan). But I guess it’s all good.

Tomorrow beckons

Ok, today is Tuesday and tomorrow we start our intense healing again. I will go in front of John of God, and receive the appropriate healing; which may be a crystal bed, more meditation or a spiritual operation. So what happens in a spiritual operation? The people who have been selected to receive one will be ushered into the operating room, or intervention room, where we all sit closed eyed. It only lasts about 10 minutes and we then collect our herbs, which support our healing, and get a taxi back to the hotel. We are supposed to stay in our rooms for at least 24 hours so that we can receive the best healing possible. Also, our energy bodies are wide open, so if we come into contact with anyone, bearing in mind most people are sick, then we can compromise our healing and our energy. Let me tell you, it’s tough..

If you knew me, then you’d understand why I find it so hard to stay in a small room for 24 hrs, and not do anything but relax and sleep.

So this is a faint idea of what is happening here in Abadiania, at the Casa of Dom Inacio of Loyola ( or St Ignatius of Loyola). To read about it is not the same as experiencing it for yourself. How could it be, right? So if you have HIV or some other illness that the world says can’t be cured, then you always have the Casa. I was just doing a search on Google, and the amount of information on John of God is huge. So don’t wait for the solution to your problems to fall out of the sky and land in your lap. Be informed, and maybe you will be inspired, and maybe you will wake up in Abadiania one morning and know that you have made the right decision.

Of course there are other ways to heal these ‘incurables’. There are many healers and masters around the planet with extraordinary gifts. I’m just telling you about this one, because this is where I am. Have you ever thought that the greatest healer is yourSELF, and to be yourSELF is all it takes to be whole again?

Another day in paradise

So, i’ve been here for nearly a week now, and i’m really getting used to the slow pace of life. I mean, I get up, go for breakfast which consists of turkey ham, cheese, a bread roll and some fruit.. mmmm!! Then it’s back to my room to relax, then if I feel I can handle the pace, I take a walk to the Casa(where the healing mainly takes place).. oh, then it’s time for lunch, which I think is edible..I’m only joking, and stretching the truth just ever so slightly, but it is so relaxing here, which is essential for the healing to take place..

So what are you doing to improve your health? What are you leaving behind, so allowing you to move forward into perfect health? What are you thinking about on a day to day basis? Where are you placing your attention? How are you feeling from minute to minute? Are you being positive? Are you being pro-active? What kind of vision are you holding for the future? Your future!!!

Anyway, enough of the lecture!! I’ll try put some photos onto the blog tomorrow so you can see a little of Abadiania..

What do you want to believe?

So you may have hiv or some other ‘incurable’ disease. You may be sinking into some dark desperate place, and you may believe that you have no option but to die, or at best live a life supported by drugs and other aggressive therapies!

Are you happy being in that place, if you are in that place. So where are you? What do you want to achieve? What do you want to believe about your illness? What do you want to believe about your own life?

Do you feel that you have the power to heal yourself, or maybe the resources to find a way to get your life back? Would you possibly see your illness as a way to change your life and maybe the lives of others? Do you possibly think that everything happens for a reason and that there may be some higher reason for you becoming ill?

Or do you blame others for your situation? Are you too afraid to accept responsibilty for your life situation?

What do you think would happen if you did believe that you could be healed? What do you think would happen if you believed that you could achieve anything, including healing your dis-ease? What would happen if you saw your disease as an opportunity to grow and evolve and possibly be a inspiration to others? Maybe a shining light for others to follow, to lead them out of their own darkness! What would happen if you took total responsibility for everything that has happened, is happening now and will happen in the future?

You see, I’ve decided that I will believe that I am in the right place, that I will be healed of this disease, that everything really is possible, and that maybe I can be an inspiration to others who will inevitably follow in my footsteps. Yes, that’s right! I am totally responsible for everything going on my life.. I created this situation, and I am creating the solutions that will lead me onto the next stage of my life… If you think that sounds idealistic, and I know it does to some people, then that really isn’t my responsibility. I know that may sound harsh, because I know that there are many desperate people out there in pain.. But who’s going to stop the pain? .. YOU!

Anyway, I’m into day four of my time in Abadiania, and we have four days of rest before the healing starts again.

If anyone is interested in being in control of their one lives, and taking responsibility for their illness, check out John of God, or any other healer of that stature.. the information is out there!!

OK, I’m here in Brazil

I arrived here last night.. and my god, is it hot??

Spent most of the day meditating, which was great.. i hope that this is my last visit to Abadiania, but i think it may be a little optimistic. I was told two years ago that it would take four years, so two years to go… genius, aren’t I?

Anyway, it’s about 90degress celsius here at the moment, and I’m far too hot to make any sense, so i’ll sign off for now..
But before I do, I urge you to check out John of God on google.. and if you want to make a difference in your life and want to heal your disease state, then it may help you!!

Do you believe in miracles?

As you can guess, I have HIV, or should I say there is a virus circulating through my body that we humans like to call HIV. It’s just three little letters, but just think about the damage those three letters have caused humanity.. not the virus itself, which can be stubborn and totally aggressive if you let it , but the label, and the fear that this label brings with it.. the message that says ‘you’re dead’ !!!

I have chosen not to take on this message, this belief.. Instead i choose to believe that i will be healed one day, and one day not too far in the future.

My story is pretty run of the mill as far as contracting the virus is concerned; you know, self destructive behaviour and sleeping around, hoping that those moments of false pleasure and excitement would mask the terror of a mediocre life..

But that was then and this is now, and so much has happened. I’ve been to a place that I’m sure many people who read this have been to, but I chose to come back from the brink with faith.. with an unwavering faith that I will be healed.

So, how did I come to adopt these beliefs?

When I lived in London, I studied with a spiritual master; a woman who some people would say is an extraordinary human being, while others call her a charlatan, a thief, a fake.. Who knows what she is, but what I know is that during those four years that I sat in her PRESENCE, I gained something that you can never find in a book.. and that was the ability to connect to YOUR OWN TRUE SELF, or GOD, or whatever label you choose to use.. Labels are funny things!! People take the label to be real thing but it only points to our interpretation of what we think it really is, whatever that may be…

Anyway, that was confusing.. So, I left London and came home, with AIDS.. I won’t go into details, not because it’s a painful part of my existence, coz it wasn’t.. but rather, I would like to focus on the positives in my life, which are that I have my energy back, my looks too… but more importantly, I’ve come through the whole ordeal of almost dying with the real belief, or is it a knowing, that there is no death, just a change of state.. like solid to liquid and liquid to gas. we are just energy, and i can feel it pulsate through my whole system. So if I am energy, and the virus is energy then it makes sense that if i ‘plug’ into some higher, more powerful source of energy then I will be healed, and the virus will be gone forever.

So NOW, I visit a ‘miracle’ healer in Brazil called John Of God, or Joao de Deus as he’s locally known in a little town called Abadiania, which is situated right in the middle of Brazil. He told me that I would be healed in 4 years; well, that was 2 years ago now, so I’m half way there, or maybe even closer than I think..who knows!! All I know is that I love my life, because I’m living my life the way I want to, and it certainly isn’t mediocre..

I know some people think i’m crazy, deluded even, but if I cared about what people thought of me I’d be dead by now…

I see so many blogs on the internet about HIV, and they sadden me because the majority are in so much pain.. they really are focusing on death, which i can understand, but it’s time to ask yourselves the question.. Do I want to live? Do i want to believe that there could be an answer and that answer is waiting for me to find it…. Let’s start looking.. You just never know what you may find!!